This time

Last day of May month. Excited for a new month ahead of me? These weeks have gone by pretty roughly. All I can say is, I'm restricting myself from a lot of things that distract me. As of now, it's, parties, outings with the LBFCyouth, especially youth hour, I'm sorry. BUT I NEED TO WORK MY DUMB BUTT off these last 2 weeks. I'm looking forward to summer, but I don't want to let time fly by and sit here on my lazy assets. Tehee. SOO, gotta make the worst of the best. Toodles, I'm off studying and reading.


Summer:
_Fundraisers
_Working
_Driving test
_Learn the bass guitar and Uke.
_Plan things out with Leah, soon, blah in the meantime.

_SUMMER SCHOOL?!? I REALLY WANT TO GO.
I'm close to breaking my post limit(: As in, last year I had 105, now I have 104 lol

Stepped off the scale

I don't need to know how bad I am in my worst skills, I just need to know that I am who I am.
So what about the outside? What matters is inside.



Lately, I've been thinking about myself. I really don't want to live a frustrating life trying to strive for my disciplined needs. Really! I'd like to chill and eat some chicharon (: Every time I sign on blogger, I read my old blogs from 07-08. It made me wonder, "Why am I so jovial? So joyful? So joyous?" The only sad thing about my blogs is that, whenever I have a problem, it's always about my family, or someone I want to be with. I haven't really examined the BIGGER picture. Or is it the smaller pictures? The sketches, instead of the paintings? 5 years from now, I imagine myself working somewhere, being stressed, fingers tired from typing, with a messy tied up hair. Where will I be after high school? After all this weight is gone, this burden, will it just compile back when life is more advanced? When I enter this realm of maturity? It's a scary thought, I know. But, we need to keep going. Stepping off the scale, and understanding what's more important. Stepping off the scale when you know that you can accomplish possible things. Such as, surviving, finding something to eat, loving someone. If you ask me, I'm not ready. I scale from 90-110. Meaning, it's not enough. There are things that I need to feed on as I grow throughout my days, throughout the week, month, LIFE. Often, I ask myself, why am I not gaining?! Gaining knowledge, sense, awareness, purity? I'm taking them all in, but metaphorically, I'm just using it to the best of my accountability only when I need it. I'm burning it off, when it should stay inside of me, inside my brain, inside the deepest warmth of my beating heart. I needed to take care of my body. If I just plainly take whatever I can eat, it wouldn't be the right way to consume it. To be able to use it. So be careful of what you eat ;D LOL, made no sense (the last part hahahah)

Weird implication of a human body system huh?

2nd half awaits

High school


I'm so tired. Ran 7 laps. Technically I ran 6. Mariah gave me an extra stick. I wrote down 8. But oh well. I need to give Nelson the money so I can get my cross country pictures )= I bet I look really young. I had my long hair too! Hmm. That's on my waiting list. So is the candy! I need to sell the candy. I'm sleepy.

Finalizing the bugs today. Tomorrow, I just need to label and print it out and make it look all neat. It's due Thursday.

I need to finish Lord of the Flies Ch3 and find a book that applies to my ethnic, or cultural background. AND SIMULATE! I have tutoring tomorrow


So wait, let me make this clear:
_(27)Wednesday- read ch3 lotf, finalize bug labeling, find a display box, type out summary, turn in money to nelson, tutoring
_(28)Thursday- Bug project due, dentist appointment, buy fabric for bandannas
_(29)Friday- CARDINAL HOLIDAY! Talent Jam
_(30)Saturday-Boomers! Happy anniversary!


Mhmm! I'm so tired. I'm gonna take a little nap, wake up and read & EAT! Aldjgeailekfkd.
I had a GREAAAAT TIME TODAY.



@__@
*I'm glad we got things straightened out. CLEARLY, you made my day hahaha.
And my 2 bessstss(: Amanda and AJ

Late.

We're so late! My family and I are supposed to go to Vasona Park in Blossom Hill. We're 2 hours late! We shoulda been there by now.


I'm taking my crocheting stuff and crochet when I get there. I need my book too! I think Rae/ Ivy took one of my books )= I liked it lol.


--I'm in my neutral happy sorta kinda zone right now.

Shut out by the door of my own heart

No matter what, I will write write write write write and write, then start all over again; writing in different emotions, expressions, and points of views.

Because every time I seize to fail I'm knocked down in the depths of the crucial earth that gave me an opportunity to live this life.

My story has never ending pages, never ending sentences, never ending conflicts, plots, whatever makes my story; it's beginning to be written out and burned for no eye's to turn to. But throughout my life, there was only one person who lived through my fears, lived through my lies, and witnessed a whole lot that sets before me and what brings me later in my life. I know I can trust Him. He is the only one that'll set me free, that can always forgive me, the only one I'll pour out my love to. He picked me up when I fell, he baptized me with blessings. Even when I tried to ignore Him, He draws me closer to Him. But I will never understand why He came down to this Earth and died for our sins. At youth hour, we watched Passion of the Christ. This was my second time watching; this time I kept my eyes open, I did not cry, I sat at the edge of my seat, trying to get a clear statement on why He was our savior. I watch the other youth, holding each other, crying, suffering inside their hearts, confessing their sins. Me? I just watched them, I watched the movie. Was it fair that I didn't get a chance to cry? I'm willing to understand His word, I'm willing to even watch Him suffer. This was the truth that lied before us.

IF HE WAS WILLING TO GIVE HIS TIME,
TO SAVE US.
WHY CAN WE NOT BEAR HIS PAIN AND CRUEL SUFFERING?

Lately, I suffered. I'm stabbing my own precious little heart. My parents are the grudge that I hold. But who will always give me a home to run to? I can't even write, I'm crying. I've hurt them so much. AND THEY'RE THE ONES WHO LOVE ME THE MOST? WHO'S PROTECTING ME WHENEVER I NEED THEM? What's wrong with me?! I'm denying their arms of love! I'm sorry, man I'm crying like hell, and I'm listening to At the cross- hillsong.

I'm sorry for all those who I've hurt in anyway. It may be of hatred, jealous, or just something I did to you. I shouldn't even be acting as if I don't know some of you. I see most of you everyday in my life, and if something bad is going to happen between you and I, I don't want to be any part of it, Nothing. It's hard to understand what kind of person I am. I'm lukewarm. I'm a hypocritical Christian. I'm the Christian that goes to church on Sundays, lift my hands in the air, asking for forgiveness. Then when it's not Sunday, I'm out partying and shit like that. Hey, I'm even cussing. This is a bad habit. You know it, I know it, Jesus, God, my parents. Everyone. I'm suffering as a Christian, when everyone thinks I'm such a good girl. Why? I'm reeled into this world of temptation and sorrow. I'm opening the door for the sins to come it. I've been shut out by the door of my own heart.

And I failed everyone.
But, listening to a simple song by hillsong, it's a blessing to see and hear that there are other Christians who are suffering, not only Christians, but those who do not have parents, do not have a home, do not have someone to love. If you can compare to my words, then I want to let you know there is a God, there is Jesus who will always be there for you. You don't have to kneel, or fold your hands to pray, just stick to your blessings and thank God for what you are given. If you don't believe in God, you should know that there is a God. If you're atheist, all I can say is,
I'm praying for you.

I'm praying for you.

Every doodle tells a story

I've been doodling about how I feel
I've been doodling just to tell a story
I've been doodling to show my emotions
I've been doodling for the hell of it
I've been doodling for the colors
I've been doodling because I have spare time
I've been doodling because of romanticism
I've been doodling since I was a kid

I need to draw something

I refuse to follow their ways

My intentions are reassured. Or is it playing tricks on me? (Happy Birthday Jake Aciata!) I don't know what to expect. Should I be worried? What am I worried about? Why am I worried? I'm worrying everyone else. I hate putting people on blast like that, maybe next time, I should shut my mouth. Because maybe if I actually did, I WOULD HAVE NO PROBLEMS, whatsoever. There needs to be a time or day when I can actually make my parent's proud. That'll never happen. They will never be satisfied until I become successful in my later years. I can't stand this right now. I'd rather live in the older years, where society was a drag. Just so that I can run somewhere and fulfill my own dreams and goals. Today, I'm starting fresh. I'm restricting myself from any social activities, or school activities that keeps me away from my compact room. I'm letting go the unnecessary distractions and the things that reel me in to doing something that no one would approve of. This won't be long, school's almost over. I've had most of my fun already, and I'm thankful for the people who I love the most for giving me a chance to have great fun with them. So, no parties, no youth hour, no FYC. Just me, school and church. This is what they want, so I'm going to do it, not for them, but for the will of God.


-- May 16, I went to a youth rally. I haven't been at youth hour nor have I been active in church. The rally lifted me up. Carried my sorrows. The songs I've been longing to listen and sing aloud.
--May 19, I cried. I haven't cried in months. Called Leah, I knew she would understand. I can always call her. Then I called Jam, but it was a mistake to get him involved, now I worried him.
--But, when everyone is asleep, Jesus is always here for me.

Been living in the wrong period of time.

These past 2 weeks, I've been frustrating and stressing. Today, I received massages from two of my friends, and they told me that I need about a month's worth of resting. Maybe I do. But school is almost over, and there's only 2 weeks of working left. I'm dropping my fun and building a tower of knowledge right on the top of my head. All I need now is encouragement and confidence. The only heavy load that is weighing me down are my parents. After receiving a mail about the progress report, my parents dropped dead when they saw that I had an F in precal and a C in English. How horrible right? As of now, my grades fail to improve. An F in precal, a C in English and Bio, a B in history and Spanish. The only A I have right now is PE, of course. There's two weeks left, and one test for each class. This is something I really need to catch on to. My current GPA, 2.66 cumulative, 3.6. I'm aiming for a 3.8 as my cumulative. I don't really care about current, doesn't really count. Grades are my only concern right now, and my walk with God. I've been drifted away with the waves of sin. Man, I don't don't know what's up now. I've always been terrified of what I don't realize sometimes. Not just the big picture of my life, but the smaller ones that matter the most. It's not easy, in fact it's not hard, it's just hectic. I really don't understand myself. There are random things that people may know or shouldn't even bother knowing. I don't know! WHATS UP?!

Give me my massage.

Happy Mothers Day

I kind of don't want to make breakfast for my mom right now, because she always tells me that it's like too salty too bitter no taste. Whatever! She's a picky person, like me! hahah. So right now, I'm baking brownies for the bake sale at my church. Today should be a good day. I'm still bummed about yesterday and failing my test )= There's going to be a whole lot of work done after Battle. Battle is my only concern right now. It's really hard on Leah, and I know that I came late, and I didn't expect people to actually be there at 11am. I tried calling her but she didn't pick up until after 11am. I got a ride from Jess and Jeff. Tony was there too. We used our money to buy posters, but people kept telling us that they had rolls of butcher paper. I forreals had no idea. I'm going to head over to precious' house and get like long rolls. And find some paint cause seriously, we need to get everything done by Tuesday. Most of the decorators are Mt. Pleasant, and plus it's going to be a hassle if we do all the posters on Tuesday because we only have one day, and we need to work on formations. I'm sorry Leah if I put any put-downs on you. I can see that it's hard, but I can never understand because you're the only one going through it. But hopefully you can get through this, hopefully we can all get through this. It's also hard on Ayana since her school is new to Battle, I feel bad for putting pressure on her like this, and all the other stuff that's going on. WE CAN DO THIS! Hahah Keep a smile on(:


Other than battle, thanks Jam for inviting me to the Charity event again, I loved it. Even though we may not have had our own times together, I enjoyed meeting your friends and feeling comfortable with the people around me. You seemed to love your performance when I watched you hahah, it was very cute. I love the people in your school, they're so hyped up! ahaha. Very nice talents too. Thanks for the phonecall last night. Monday. Dont forget, Monday (:

Organization is key

11am-3:30pm- BOTT PRACTICE
3:30pm-4:30pm- Cousin's party
5pm- Off to Great Mall Amanda, come to my house
5:30pm- meet up with everyone, SHOP!
6pm- Golfing!
7:30pm- OutbackSteakhouse!
8:30pm- Everyone goes home

Sounds like a plan?

Today was a weird day, in my opinion

I woke up @ 7am. Thought I it was like 7:40pm since my mom rushed me this morning to get ready. I didn't realize that my dentist was at 8am. So my eye's are SO DRIED UP. When I went into the dentist room, flashes of my last root canal procedure (when I was 5) appeared. I was friggen scared. My jaw was numb for 5 hrs. Sux. Dad explained to me about the financial issue for our house. Right now, I'm just gonna do what he tells me even if it means to tell my uncle to get out of the house. Well, went to school, totally crashed the Precal test. My hopes were on top of the Eiffel tower man. When I got the results, CRAASSSSSHHHH. I failed it. This is what I call a failure. Failing a class. I even studied the day before. One unit in the class left. I need to get A's on Quiz and Test, TO AT LEAST GET A C. After BOTT, I seriously need help. I need someone to tutor me. So, since Nate is going to be available now, Imma bug him. Cause I don't want to retake the class. I'm so disappointed in myself. Ugh. Just waiting till battle is over. L hop- Next unit. GRRRR. Uhm drove to longs, saw Jan, then went to safeway. Bought brownie mixes then went over to Leah's for finalization. After, PHHS talent show. It started at 7pm -.- Oh well, more time with Jam. Met new people! +More others, Ydeska, Erana, Justin, Brandon, John, Earl, Chelsea, Kimberly, Ryan, saw Mary & Camille(= & sat with Brian. Woot. Had to rush things, cause I always do that -.- Weird habit. Went to church?! Right when they just ended youth hour. Greaaat. Hahah. Then got KFC and here I am.

Jam I owe you $$$$$$$$$ I forgot

Rushing and rushing around

I haven't done the history questions.
I need to shower
I need sleep
I have to get up early tomorrow

I am in the most busiest week ever. Including next week


-Tomorrow:
_Dentist app
_Meet with Leah
_Go to PHHS
_Make sure to tell nate to get paint brushes

Saturday:
Morning, bake
Before noon- afternoon Decor & Dance/ Formation
go to cousin's house
then out with martin and everyone

A big hassle

To be going out and all.

My tensions are untying
a feeling thats worth not denying
I'm getting frustrated
My awareness has faded
Let me fall
leave the rest of my all
cause
I
AM
TIRED.



I should chill at Precious' and eat some waffles and icecream.

Loose restrictions

WHAT A BREAKDOWN
If only I knew that I was protected and aware of my surroundings

Then maybe, I'd be able to be astounding
than I already am.

I'm falling off the edge of my seat to catch you with my open arms
but how will you know that I'm trustworthy?

Will, if by any chance, will you even be near me?

I'm breaking down

And crying for THE ANSWER.

5 years will pass, how will I know that whatever I'm waiting for is what I ever wanted?

The pieces that complete my character becomes flawless and still.
Will you pick them up? Help me. Lift me up.

I need a savior.

Take the time to have a prayer,
it's better to do it now than later.

The vibe that runs up my spine

I wish I lived in hiphop

I wish I lived in the undergrounds
making my words abound
something that would never be found
until the day hiphop dies
when people come back and cry
cry for the rhythm and beat
someone that'll bow down to my feet
saying, ' you have my time '

Bring me back to those days.