Shut out by the door of my own heart

No matter what, I will write write write write write and write, then start all over again; writing in different emotions, expressions, and points of views.

Because every time I seize to fail I'm knocked down in the depths of the crucial earth that gave me an opportunity to live this life.

My story has never ending pages, never ending sentences, never ending conflicts, plots, whatever makes my story; it's beginning to be written out and burned for no eye's to turn to. But throughout my life, there was only one person who lived through my fears, lived through my lies, and witnessed a whole lot that sets before me and what brings me later in my life. I know I can trust Him. He is the only one that'll set me free, that can always forgive me, the only one I'll pour out my love to. He picked me up when I fell, he baptized me with blessings. Even when I tried to ignore Him, He draws me closer to Him. But I will never understand why He came down to this Earth and died for our sins. At youth hour, we watched Passion of the Christ. This was my second time watching; this time I kept my eyes open, I did not cry, I sat at the edge of my seat, trying to get a clear statement on why He was our savior. I watch the other youth, holding each other, crying, suffering inside their hearts, confessing their sins. Me? I just watched them, I watched the movie. Was it fair that I didn't get a chance to cry? I'm willing to understand His word, I'm willing to even watch Him suffer. This was the truth that lied before us.

IF HE WAS WILLING TO GIVE HIS TIME,
TO SAVE US.
WHY CAN WE NOT BEAR HIS PAIN AND CRUEL SUFFERING?

Lately, I suffered. I'm stabbing my own precious little heart. My parents are the grudge that I hold. But who will always give me a home to run to? I can't even write, I'm crying. I've hurt them so much. AND THEY'RE THE ONES WHO LOVE ME THE MOST? WHO'S PROTECTING ME WHENEVER I NEED THEM? What's wrong with me?! I'm denying their arms of love! I'm sorry, man I'm crying like hell, and I'm listening to At the cross- hillsong.

I'm sorry for all those who I've hurt in anyway. It may be of hatred, jealous, or just something I did to you. I shouldn't even be acting as if I don't know some of you. I see most of you everyday in my life, and if something bad is going to happen between you and I, I don't want to be any part of it, Nothing. It's hard to understand what kind of person I am. I'm lukewarm. I'm a hypocritical Christian. I'm the Christian that goes to church on Sundays, lift my hands in the air, asking for forgiveness. Then when it's not Sunday, I'm out partying and shit like that. Hey, I'm even cussing. This is a bad habit. You know it, I know it, Jesus, God, my parents. Everyone. I'm suffering as a Christian, when everyone thinks I'm such a good girl. Why? I'm reeled into this world of temptation and sorrow. I'm opening the door for the sins to come it. I've been shut out by the door of my own heart.

And I failed everyone.
But, listening to a simple song by hillsong, it's a blessing to see and hear that there are other Christians who are suffering, not only Christians, but those who do not have parents, do not have a home, do not have someone to love. If you can compare to my words, then I want to let you know there is a God, there is Jesus who will always be there for you. You don't have to kneel, or fold your hands to pray, just stick to your blessings and thank God for what you are given. If you don't believe in God, you should know that there is a God. If you're atheist, all I can say is,
I'm praying for you.

I'm praying for you.