My testimony

Dear LBFC youths,
____On Jan 2, 2009 during testimony at youth hour, I felt so happy and just amazed of everyone in the room. You may not know that deep inside of me, I felt like I was at the edge of the world waiting for you all to catch me when I fall. I was filled with joy and freedom. Through all the testimonies, I just wanted to cry. Cry and be held forever. I actually wanted to have the chance to tell you my testimony, how my story can inspire you to make better decisions, but if I did, I would be a crybaby, and don’t think Ashley was the only one. So I’ve decided to just send you this message.
____There is no specific story that I would want to start with, I’ll try to go all out, but you’d probably get confused. Well, I’ll tell you a few stories that will eventually link together, I hope.
____My family, I can’t believe they’re my family. What can I say? There are horrible times and great times we share. But there are things that are unforgettable. My family, you may think that we’re probably a loving family who takes care of each other and just lives life to the fullest. Most of it is true. I can’t stand the way my family is so disciplined and shows greatness to others but not to each other. I can’t stand the way I’ve been disciplined so much that I show no feeling at church or at school. What is the reason why I’m mostly quiet at church, anywhere? Probably, I guess I am shy. But, that’s not why. At home, I do so many great things to express myself, because I know my family would accept me for who I am. Outside of home I’m just Lenlen, or Jovelyn, or Jovey. Whoever I want to be. I keep my mouth shut because I was scared of having people accepting me for who I was. I didn’t want to say something that would make people look at me all differently. There is this saying that I always loved because it was always true, “It doesn’t matter what’s on the outside, it all matters in the inside.” That was one thing that I’ve always looked up to. I put that in my head and carve it in my heart, but I never really understood how it would help me in life. But that never occurred to my parents, especially my dad. My dad, lets say he is VERY over protective. He is also a selfish person, a jerk. Yea, this is the Lenlen that’s talking. He is my dad. I accept him for who he is, but he doesn’t know that I’m watching him. He doesn’t know that I’m listening to his words, how he says so many things that are just based on his opinions. My brothers and I KNOW that he’s making the stupid decisions. Let me tell you this. On Friday for youth hour, we called up Ivy and Rae, and asked if they were coming to youth hour. They said yes. We ask our dad if it was alright to pick them up. He was so ignorant to say that he won’t allow them to come unless they get their own ride to our house. Jovill was arguing with my dad for at least ten minutes. I interrupted them saying “Well, you should let us pick them up because, One, they haven’t been going to youth hour or church for a verrryyyy long time, and Two, it’s for their own sake. Their own sake meaning, this is their chance to open themselves up for the Lord, it’s their chance to be witnessed by others that can relate to her. But man my dad, he can be sooo selfish. I agreed with my brother that, our dad DOES NOT like to be proven WRONG. There are a lot of you out there who probably have it worse, with not just your dad, probably your mom or brothers, people who are older than you. But I encourage you, when you’re being brought down by your parents and you KNOW what you did wrong. Tell them, tell them everything. Tell them who you are, and tell them to give you decisions that not only will you get better in what you do but tell them that you will change and you can. When struggling with your father, if you are, you may use the verse Ephesians 6:4- And fathers do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. Meaning, fathers shouldn’t tell you things that would only bring you down and always look on to your mistakes, but they should tell you it to show you that you can be better. This verse was revised by Jovill.
____Jovill, Jovill Jovill. He is a brother that I can actually claim him as one of my treasures. He may be a butt all the time telling me to fetch him this and that. But his words, they are important. You MUST listen to what he has to say. It’s like your feeding onto his words, you hate it so much, that it’ll actually make you feel good after each word. He has been through much worst things than me and Nathaniel. He was like a guardian angel to me, one I can look up to and know that he’s there for me. Every single Sunday, before college, he would ALWAYS argue with my dad about everything. Seriously. It’s always on a Sunday. During school days, it’s just this big gap between our parents and us. But now that he only comes a few times within the year. My dad is having a GREAT TIME. Wow, when he’s not here, it’s just me on the computer all day or playing sports, and Nathaniel on his laptop or just playing tennis. When Jovill left for college, I was empty, just blank. I don’t get rides in the mornings to school, I walk home from school, I stay out of my house, I was actually a little worried. I wouldn’t go to youth hour sometimes, or just hang out. I didn’t really talk to you guys, I would sit with my parents in church. Everything man. There was nothing to look forward to without him. There really isn’t. Don’t let go of your brothers and sisters. Whether you’re older than them or not. Set an example. Be that person they can hold on to. Be that person to tell them that when you’re not gonna be home, there is always God. Tell them God will always have their backs and hold their hands whenever they fall into deep frustration, because knowing that they can look up to someone like you, they’ll be able to accept who they are and the people around and understand there are certain things that happen for a reason. I have helped a friend realize that, but I think she took things too seriously and went on frontin me up. Just all out, how she tells me that I have no potential in building her up. What does that mean? She wants everything about me. She cannot stand the way I treat her. I seriously DO NOT disrespect her, because I don’t know what’s going on in her mind that’s drawing her away from me.
____She is too concerned about what I do and how it doesn’t look like I even try. This was my first challenge I just could not handle on my own. I’ve prayed so much, I’ve told her so many times that, it’s ok to tell me what’s on your mind. But she took advantage of what I said and just started spitin everything out on my face. I thought I could have considered her a real friend. One day, it was just a normal day you know. My dad cooked food my mom cleaned the house. Soon, Tito Carlo Mamaril came to our house just to visit I guess. After I drank a cup of water, I placed it in the sink and I saw Tito Carlo and another guy in the front yard. I look to the sides and I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT. We were moving. Why? Was I going to a different school? Are we gonna move out of San Jose? Where?! I ran to the bathroom and closed my eyes as tightly as I could. I thought it was all my fault. I think that most things are my fault. I grabbed the side of my hair and just kept saying “No, NO, NO NO NO NO!” After that, I didn’t care, I didn’t care what anyone said, I never told anyone what I said. No one. I thought that, if I said it to anyone, they wouldn’t understand. At that time, I thought God just disappeared. Took my life away took away everything. I didn’t bother talking to anyone at home. No one. At that same day, night began to fall, and disaster spread. My uncle who lives with us, plus my cousin, were infuriated. I was sleeping at this time. My uncle slammed the door when he came back from work. He just slammed it. Started screaming, roaring, viscous noises. Threw everything. At walls, at the grounds, knocked tables. My parents come out. Yelling back, back and forth. Near our room. Just right there. Jovill out of the house, me and Nathaniel in our room together. I wake up. My eyes just wide open. Like this. O.O My eyes starting dive in tears, holding my blanket tightly. My mom, she sounds just like me when I scream. I was scared. It sounded as if I was screaming at myself. My mind just repeating “God save us,” over and over. Soon, our door busts open. The noise stops. The door closes slowly. My shivering, I am just frozen. I cried, cried until I fall asleep. The next day, I wanted everything to be back to normal. I walk out, SCARED. I walk real slowly to the bathroom. I told Jovill to come with me, because my uncle’s door is right in front of the bathroom. So after getting out of the bathroom, I walk to the living room and I see my mom just sitting there holding her phone. She tells me, that my cousin who was living with us, her mom called from New York. My mom told me, that her own sister started cussing at her, and saying that she’ll never forgive my mom. I say, that this wasn’t her fault. She only took part in it because my dad made the decision to take off my uncle and cousin’s name on the contract in which each member holds the house. He took their names off because they haven’t been paying. My mom took the blame from her sister. I couldn’t stand my family anymore, so when nighttime came again, I was scared to go back to my bed and hear the screams. LONNGGG STORY SHORT. Srry. I call up my friend, she says I can stay over her house. Soon, later like a month, she’s all dissin me. She denies everything I say. I thought I could have trusted her. She tells me I have everything she wants. She wrote to me, “How can you tell me all your problems when you look just fine to me at school, you come in new clothes and not worry about anything. It doesn’t look like you go through blood and sweat” She tells me I don’t work hard. She tells me she’s jealous of me. The worldly things around her are reeling her in and drowning her. I don’t want to be a part of that. But at the same time, I don’t want to lose a friend. She’s still sending me these notes, messages, everything just to tell me that she loves me too much to hate me. Literally, that’s what she said. But for me, I can’t really respond to anything she says about me. I mean I don’t really care what people think about me or tell me what I do wrong. Sure I’ll listen, I can change, but for some reason, it’s like she wants to control me like a puppet. For now, I pray everyday that it would get better. But I don’t know if God’s calling me to confront her, because like I said, there’s nothing to say. She said, I don’t go through blood or sweat, it doesn’t look like I’m trying, ALL that stuff. I’ve told her many times that, it’s not going through blood and sweat or putting yourself out there to the world telling them you’ve done this and that. I told her, deep inside is what matters. I told her, I don’t show everyone that I can be a gloomy person, because, if I did, people would start worrying about me, and I don’t want that to happen because I know I love being happy, I love seeing smiles on everyone’s faces, I love how people can express themselves. I love how God uses others to show me what love is, to show me that there is love out there, there will be people there for me, because through them is God. But for now, I don’t want her to get in my way of hatred, I don’t want her to draw away from me. But I’m guessing that this is her decision, because for me, I really don’t have anything to say.
____One last thing to say. I love the youth. I love how we can accept each other and be there for each other through strong relationships. I love how I can share my prayers with one another and feel free to talk about some of my problems. I love how I can be a child in God’s hands. I just love spending every moment with the youth. And I have to admit, I can’t live without you guys. You guys are the jelly to my peanut butter sandwich. I wish I had more to say, but like, I’m crying right now, so I really can’t be in this kind of moment haha. So, yea this is my testimony. Hebrews12:1-2